Distance, resentment, jealousy, and fear are just a few of the emotions felt by someone whose partner experiences a rather dramatic change in lifestyle or physical appearance. Your partner might feel threatened by this unavoidable change or shift in the relationship, or feel judged for not making the same changes, and may purposely or inadvertently find ways to sabotage your progress or belittle your success.
A partner suddenly no longer feels like the center of that person’s universe. The newly fit and happy partner begins to derive joy from within instead of from food or from exclusively catering to the needs of others. The newly fit may even feel a lack of connection to a partner who has no interest in or who is threatened by the changes.
The resentment and distance continue to build. Neither partner may realize this is going on, but both begin to feel the disconnect. Each waits for the other to take a step closer; however, in doing so, they are walking farther and farther apart.
Before long, you’re doing everything as individuals and less as a couple. You have your activities and your partner has his or her own—different friends, different schedules, different food, and different habits.
The bond weakens. The resentment grows
Own Your Part of the Problem—And Solve It!
Fitness and weight are far deeper than just finding a great exercise program or eating less. I’m not speaking as an expert or therapist. I’m coming from 20 years of experience as a fitness coach and 16 years of marriage—nearly 20 years with the same partner (my darling husband, Bret).
A person who has let him- or herself go, has low energy and low self-esteem, and who has been dealing with the stigma associated with being overweight has more to deal with than simply shedding some pounds. If you have allowed yourself to gain weight to the point that you don’t identify with the person in the mirror, you have probably also come to expect that people, even your spouse, will treat you as “less than worthy” of respect, care, love, and kindness.
Often, when I meet people at the beginning their fitness journey, they have allowed themselves to slip into last place on their list of importance. They have taught others to ignore them. They have taken care of everyone and everything else and practiced a great deal of self-loathing.
When people don’t like themselves, they don’t expect much from others. The way you feel about yourself affects the dynamics in every relationship you have.
When someone begins to look and feel better, self-esteem naturally rises. For the first time in a long time, you might be looking in the mirror and thinking, “I’m looking good. I’m feeling good. I can do this.” You begin to recognize your potential. You’re the same person you’ve always been, but lately you’ve begun to believe you deserve better.
This is where things can get treacherous!
Before long, you may choose to move from acceptance of poor behavior to resentment. Now you realize you have allowed friends, family members, partners, even co-workers to treat you in a certain way, and it’s not cool. It’s like you’ve suddenly come to your senses. You’re awake! And it feels like you’re being inauthentic to yourself to allow this treatment to continue.
Notice the word choose in the last paragraph. How you feel about others is a choice. Your mind-set, your attitude in this process is critical. Allow negative thoughts about someone in your life to build, and before long that person becomes the villain. You can’t recall a moment of happiness. Your anger grows. You honestly believe you have no personal culpability. It’s the other person’s fault. You just aren’t willing to take it anymore.
Hold the arms of your chair for a moment . . . I’m about to push you.
You are just as much to blame as your partner, maybe more.
You are also the person capable of improving your marriage. I know you’ve been told that a partnership is 50/50. And those who subscribe to that way of thinking are likely to be in the 50 percent statistic whose marriage ends in divorce.
Life is not fair. Partnerships are not fair. You are 100 percent responsible for both, and when you believe that, and operate that way, your relationship will thrive.
Loving Yourself, Saving Your Relationships
Here’s the deal: As your body and habits have been changing, so too has your view of who you are and what you believe you deserve. And you know what? You do deserve better! And the best is yours to be had, but not at the expense of your relationships.
Slow your roll! Calm down! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do this the right way. You can’t change the rules overnight! You can’t wake up one day and suddenly proclaim that you won’t tolerate what you’ve been tolerating for years. That will get you exactly nowhere!
Here’s an idea: Figure out what it is you want, what it is you deserve, and how you expect to get that.
Getting to where you want to be in your important relationships is a delicate dance. It begins by making your spouse or partner feel adored, even when you don’t—at this moment anyway—think the world of that person.
You will.
You’ve got plenty of choices, but only one results in getting the two of you on the same page. All it takes is checking your ego at the door. Be the bigger person. This journey has been about becoming a better you. Why not be the humble hero to this relationship? True, there will be no trophy ceremony, but what reward could be better than a stronger relationship? With persistence, you can enjoy the happiness you both deserve.
You often hear “it takes two,” but I think a more useful comment is “it takes one.” In every relationship, one partner is more emotionally mature than the other. That’s the way life is. It takes one partner willing to do more than his or her share. If that has to be you, so what! Do it.
Doing more than your share emotionally doesn’t mean one partner is better or even cares more than the other. It means you are willing to swallow your pride, set aside the hurt, and make it work. It takes one person willing to grab the wheel and steer the ship with persistence and devotion. Not overnight, but before long your feelings will follow, and so too will your partner’s.
And when weeks and months of consistently treating your partner as the center of your universe seems to have little or no effect, then move on to plan B. It may take some gentle, well-timed convincing, but one person should schedule time with a highly recommended therapist. If the first therapist you meet with doesn’t help, that professional wasn’t a good fit. Find another!
Six Keys to a Rock-Solid Bond
I’m not one of those people who doesn’t believe in divorce. In fact, if there are no kids involved, I don’t have much of an opinion. I just know that people are happier, kinder, nicer, and healthier when their relationships are strong and when they feel safe, protected, and loved by their partner. Strong relationships don’t happen by accident. They take work—a lot more than most people think.
Let’s assume, however, that you have a genuinely supportive partner excited about sharing this success journey with you. What can you do to strengthen your relationship?
Express gratitude every day Your most important habits are practiced daily. Expressing your sincere gratitude to your partner every day is perhaps one of the most impactful things you can do for your relationship.
Everyone longs to feel needed. So thank him or her for any small part in helping or supporting your journey. Try thank-yous like these:
“It means a lot to me that you do things like caring for the kids so that I can fit a workout into my day.”
“It really helps when as a family we pick restaurants that have healthy options.”
“Thanks for understanding how important it is for me to create my to-do list every day.”
Gratitude is important, and important tasks should be included on your to-do list and not left to chance. You might also write yourself a reminder on a stickie note.
Do daily “quick connects” Did you know you can improve communication without having to officially talk about it? The key to any relationship isn’t necessarily a long, deep conversation where the two of you lay your feelings out on the table, but rather a connection. By the time “the talk” is necessary, you’ve missed out on many opportunities to connect.
A “connect” is any intentional attempt to remind partners of their importance: a text asking how their day is going, a handwritten note left in the car, a card, a surprise hug, a quick voice mail letting your partner know how much they mean to you or just that you’re thinking of them. Think of each connection as a deposit into your “love bank.” I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true. And it takes 100 deposits to balance just one withdrawal.
Tell them things have changed—respectfully If you’re feeling differently about yourself and ready to ask for better treatment from others, then communicate your needs calmly, with sweetness and understanding, when the time is right.
Remember, it’s you who has suddenly decided that what was okay before is no longer okay. You have the responsibility to ask your partner to help you with this transition. Finger-pointing and shouting “you . . . you . . . you” will only leave your partner feeling alienated, confused, and attacked. You can’t expect anyone to read your mind. Lose your resentment and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Have this conversation slowly, over a period of time, and before you’ve built up the resentment that prevents many couples from repairing their relationship. What’s the point of getting fit if you’re all alone?!?
Get on the same path Partners walking down separate paths can’t expect to stay together for long. If you want to be together forever, find a way to spend more time together. When it comes to work and exercise, it is the quality of the time spent. When it comes to your relationships, the quality is further enhanced by the quantity of time. Take extra steps to create an opportunity to do things together.
Think of the couples you know how have been happily married for 30, 40, even 50 years. I bet when you picture them, you picture them together. They share the same hobbies, friends, and mutual interests. Invite your partner to join you in your workouts. Should he or she decline, find another way to suggest spending time together. Work to help your spouse find a soul-mate workout. No one wants to be told what to do or that he or she “needs” to exercise. Be creative. Explain how much it would mean to you to be on this journey together. Go out of your way to make together-time happen.
Don’t spend time alone with opposite-sex “friends” I’m going out on a limb here and say I’m sure many of you will disagree. This is a personal rule for Bret and me, and it’s based on the practices of our own parents, each of whom are still married to the same people after 40-plus years! No friends of the opposite sex, unless it’s a friend we both share, and time spent together is spent as a couple with this person, no alone time (no matter how perfectly innocent). Don’t flirt with friends of the opposite sex. Respect your spouse by avoiding any situation that could be deemed uncomfortable. Avoid working out with friends of the opposite sex, unless of course your friend is gay! (Oh no, she didn’t . . . Oh yes, I did!)
Why engage in activities that could potentially damage your relationship? Seems kinda silly. These marital guidelines are our own, and of course, there are exceptions to every relationship. Neither Bret nor I is the jealous type, but we’ve witnessed so many couples starting innocently with a night out with friends once a month, then once a week, then separate trips, and before we knew it, our friends were divorced.
I’m not suggesting time apart will lead to divorce. I am, however, suggesting that more time together will lead to a stronger relationship. This rule works well for our marriage. If you’re married, the risks of spending time with someone of the opposite sex far outweigh the benefits. Why go there?
Think of the kids I recently had a conversation with a student going through a divorce. She told me she would do anything for her three children, including dying for them.
And yet, when I pushed her to try a new counselor, she explained that she just couldn’t bear to spend another month with her husband. If you say you would do anything for your children, then do everything you can to repair your marriage before deciding it’s beyond healing. Have an open mind to the thought of falling in love again. Your history is the past. Your mind-set is everything. Many studies show a direct correlation between childhood obesity rates and children from divorced families.
Those of us with young children have a far greater responsibility to the world to keep our marriages strong. The healthiest thing you can do for your kids is to strengthen your marriage. As a society, if we spent as much time and money working on our marriages as we did working on weight loss, the world would be a much better place. That’s all.
Please know that I’m speaking to those of you who have a choice. Some do not. Ultimately, you must protect your children, and a volatile, unhealthy home is the worst place for a child. I can’t help but put my arms around those of you who have endured the painful loss of a marriage and the guilt and hardship that so many parents experience when circumstances are simply out of your control. My heart goes out to you. But blame and self-loathing will not help your children. To raise healthy, strong, confident, and loving children, you must exemplify those qualities.
Today's Homework
1. Set a daily reminder on your to-do list to express gratitude toward your partner.
2. Decide on one weekly activity you will give up to spend that time with your partner.
A partner suddenly no longer feels like the center of that person’s universe. The newly fit and happy partner begins to derive joy from within instead of from food or from exclusively catering to the needs of others. The newly fit may even feel a lack of connection to a partner who has no interest in or who is threatened by the changes.
The resentment and distance continue to build. Neither partner may realize this is going on, but both begin to feel the disconnect. Each waits for the other to take a step closer; however, in doing so, they are walking farther and farther apart.
Before long, you’re doing everything as individuals and less as a couple. You have your activities and your partner has his or her own—different friends, different schedules, different food, and different habits.
The bond weakens. The resentment grows
Own Your Part of the Problem—And Solve It!
Fitness and weight are far deeper than just finding a great exercise program or eating less. I’m not speaking as an expert or therapist. I’m coming from 20 years of experience as a fitness coach and 16 years of marriage—nearly 20 years with the same partner (my darling husband, Bret).
A person who has let him- or herself go, has low energy and low self-esteem, and who has been dealing with the stigma associated with being overweight has more to deal with than simply shedding some pounds. If you have allowed yourself to gain weight to the point that you don’t identify with the person in the mirror, you have probably also come to expect that people, even your spouse, will treat you as “less than worthy” of respect, care, love, and kindness.
Often, when I meet people at the beginning their fitness journey, they have allowed themselves to slip into last place on their list of importance. They have taught others to ignore them. They have taken care of everyone and everything else and practiced a great deal of self-loathing.
When people don’t like themselves, they don’t expect much from others. The way you feel about yourself affects the dynamics in every relationship you have.
When someone begins to look and feel better, self-esteem naturally rises. For the first time in a long time, you might be looking in the mirror and thinking, “I’m looking good. I’m feeling good. I can do this.” You begin to recognize your potential. You’re the same person you’ve always been, but lately you’ve begun to believe you deserve better.
This is where things can get treacherous!
Before long, you may choose to move from acceptance of poor behavior to resentment. Now you realize you have allowed friends, family members, partners, even co-workers to treat you in a certain way, and it’s not cool. It’s like you’ve suddenly come to your senses. You’re awake! And it feels like you’re being inauthentic to yourself to allow this treatment to continue.
Notice the word choose in the last paragraph. How you feel about others is a choice. Your mind-set, your attitude in this process is critical. Allow negative thoughts about someone in your life to build, and before long that person becomes the villain. You can’t recall a moment of happiness. Your anger grows. You honestly believe you have no personal culpability. It’s the other person’s fault. You just aren’t willing to take it anymore.
Hold the arms of your chair for a moment . . . I’m about to push you.
You are just as much to blame as your partner, maybe more.
You are also the person capable of improving your marriage. I know you’ve been told that a partnership is 50/50. And those who subscribe to that way of thinking are likely to be in the 50 percent statistic whose marriage ends in divorce.
Life is not fair. Partnerships are not fair. You are 100 percent responsible for both, and when you believe that, and operate that way, your relationship will thrive.
Loving Yourself, Saving Your Relationships
Here’s the deal: As your body and habits have been changing, so too has your view of who you are and what you believe you deserve. And you know what? You do deserve better! And the best is yours to be had, but not at the expense of your relationships.
Slow your roll! Calm down! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do this the right way. You can’t change the rules overnight! You can’t wake up one day and suddenly proclaim that you won’t tolerate what you’ve been tolerating for years. That will get you exactly nowhere!
Here’s an idea: Figure out what it is you want, what it is you deserve, and how you expect to get that.
Getting to where you want to be in your important relationships is a delicate dance. It begins by making your spouse or partner feel adored, even when you don’t—at this moment anyway—think the world of that person.
You will.
You’ve got plenty of choices, but only one results in getting the two of you on the same page. All it takes is checking your ego at the door. Be the bigger person. This journey has been about becoming a better you. Why not be the humble hero to this relationship? True, there will be no trophy ceremony, but what reward could be better than a stronger relationship? With persistence, you can enjoy the happiness you both deserve.
You often hear “it takes two,” but I think a more useful comment is “it takes one.” In every relationship, one partner is more emotionally mature than the other. That’s the way life is. It takes one partner willing to do more than his or her share. If that has to be you, so what! Do it.
Doing more than your share emotionally doesn’t mean one partner is better or even cares more than the other. It means you are willing to swallow your pride, set aside the hurt, and make it work. It takes one person willing to grab the wheel and steer the ship with persistence and devotion. Not overnight, but before long your feelings will follow, and so too will your partner’s.
And when weeks and months of consistently treating your partner as the center of your universe seems to have little or no effect, then move on to plan B. It may take some gentle, well-timed convincing, but one person should schedule time with a highly recommended therapist. If the first therapist you meet with doesn’t help, that professional wasn’t a good fit. Find another!
Six Keys to a Rock-Solid Bond
I’m not one of those people who doesn’t believe in divorce. In fact, if there are no kids involved, I don’t have much of an opinion. I just know that people are happier, kinder, nicer, and healthier when their relationships are strong and when they feel safe, protected, and loved by their partner. Strong relationships don’t happen by accident. They take work—a lot more than most people think.
Let’s assume, however, that you have a genuinely supportive partner excited about sharing this success journey with you. What can you do to strengthen your relationship?
Express gratitude every day Your most important habits are practiced daily. Expressing your sincere gratitude to your partner every day is perhaps one of the most impactful things you can do for your relationship.
Everyone longs to feel needed. So thank him or her for any small part in helping or supporting your journey. Try thank-yous like these:
“It means a lot to me that you do things like caring for the kids so that I can fit a workout into my day.”
“It really helps when as a family we pick restaurants that have healthy options.”
“Thanks for understanding how important it is for me to create my to-do list every day.”
Gratitude is important, and important tasks should be included on your to-do list and not left to chance. You might also write yourself a reminder on a stickie note.
Do daily “quick connects” Did you know you can improve communication without having to officially talk about it? The key to any relationship isn’t necessarily a long, deep conversation where the two of you lay your feelings out on the table, but rather a connection. By the time “the talk” is necessary, you’ve missed out on many opportunities to connect.
A “connect” is any intentional attempt to remind partners of their importance: a text asking how their day is going, a handwritten note left in the car, a card, a surprise hug, a quick voice mail letting your partner know how much they mean to you or just that you’re thinking of them. Think of each connection as a deposit into your “love bank.” I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true. And it takes 100 deposits to balance just one withdrawal.
Tell them things have changed—respectfully If you’re feeling differently about yourself and ready to ask for better treatment from others, then communicate your needs calmly, with sweetness and understanding, when the time is right.
Remember, it’s you who has suddenly decided that what was okay before is no longer okay. You have the responsibility to ask your partner to help you with this transition. Finger-pointing and shouting “you . . . you . . . you” will only leave your partner feeling alienated, confused, and attacked. You can’t expect anyone to read your mind. Lose your resentment and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Have this conversation slowly, over a period of time, and before you’ve built up the resentment that prevents many couples from repairing their relationship. What’s the point of getting fit if you’re all alone?!?
Get on the same path Partners walking down separate paths can’t expect to stay together for long. If you want to be together forever, find a way to spend more time together. When it comes to work and exercise, it is the quality of the time spent. When it comes to your relationships, the quality is further enhanced by the quantity of time. Take extra steps to create an opportunity to do things together.
Think of the couples you know how have been happily married for 30, 40, even 50 years. I bet when you picture them, you picture them together. They share the same hobbies, friends, and mutual interests. Invite your partner to join you in your workouts. Should he or she decline, find another way to suggest spending time together. Work to help your spouse find a soul-mate workout. No one wants to be told what to do or that he or she “needs” to exercise. Be creative. Explain how much it would mean to you to be on this journey together. Go out of your way to make together-time happen.
Don’t spend time alone with opposite-sex “friends” I’m going out on a limb here and say I’m sure many of you will disagree. This is a personal rule for Bret and me, and it’s based on the practices of our own parents, each of whom are still married to the same people after 40-plus years! No friends of the opposite sex, unless it’s a friend we both share, and time spent together is spent as a couple with this person, no alone time (no matter how perfectly innocent). Don’t flirt with friends of the opposite sex. Respect your spouse by avoiding any situation that could be deemed uncomfortable. Avoid working out with friends of the opposite sex, unless of course your friend is gay! (Oh no, she didn’t . . . Oh yes, I did!)
Why engage in activities that could potentially damage your relationship? Seems kinda silly. These marital guidelines are our own, and of course, there are exceptions to every relationship. Neither Bret nor I is the jealous type, but we’ve witnessed so many couples starting innocently with a night out with friends once a month, then once a week, then separate trips, and before we knew it, our friends were divorced.
I’m not suggesting time apart will lead to divorce. I am, however, suggesting that more time together will lead to a stronger relationship. This rule works well for our marriage. If you’re married, the risks of spending time with someone of the opposite sex far outweigh the benefits. Why go there?
Think of the kids I recently had a conversation with a student going through a divorce. She told me she would do anything for her three children, including dying for them.
And yet, when I pushed her to try a new counselor, she explained that she just couldn’t bear to spend another month with her husband. If you say you would do anything for your children, then do everything you can to repair your marriage before deciding it’s beyond healing. Have an open mind to the thought of falling in love again. Your history is the past. Your mind-set is everything. Many studies show a direct correlation between childhood obesity rates and children from divorced families.
Those of us with young children have a far greater responsibility to the world to keep our marriages strong. The healthiest thing you can do for your kids is to strengthen your marriage. As a society, if we spent as much time and money working on our marriages as we did working on weight loss, the world would be a much better place. That’s all.
Please know that I’m speaking to those of you who have a choice. Some do not. Ultimately, you must protect your children, and a volatile, unhealthy home is the worst place for a child. I can’t help but put my arms around those of you who have endured the painful loss of a marriage and the guilt and hardship that so many parents experience when circumstances are simply out of your control. My heart goes out to you. But blame and self-loathing will not help your children. To raise healthy, strong, confident, and loving children, you must exemplify those qualities.
Today's Homework
1. Set a daily reminder on your to-do list to express gratitude toward your partner.
2. Decide on one weekly activity you will give up to spend that time with your partner.
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